Hey guys,

How are all of you? Good I hope.. I'm pretty.... I don't even know how to explain my mood.. it's an iffy mood I guess... why you ask?

So my reasons are not severe like some peoples, and I thank God for that.. but as people know, my Dad has cancer. His cancer is located in the pituitary gland in his brain, and thankfully, it is contained and hasn't spread, but he's still sick. He suffers from PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorde, and he's on medication for that, and for his TBI, or traumatic brain injury that he sustained from an accident he got while in the Army. The medication has made him act irrationaly and he was having outbursts at work and with members of my family. I know that the cancer he has is 95% curable, but it still keeps me up some nights, thinking about what would happen if I lost him... that is one of the worst things I can think of...

Also, my Gram is slowly getting worse. A few months ago she was hospitalized when she started having heart problems, and they said her organs were shutting down slowly, and it's a matter of time before she passes... I've had a strained relationship with her because of the way my dad's family treat my Mom and even my Dad... his family treat us like black sheep, and like my Mom is nothing. Because of this, I didn't speak to my Grandmother for months, until my uncle called to tell us what was going on. I feel guilty for the way I treated her, and for not telling her that I do love her, no matter how she treats us.. I just want to know that she loves me... I don't want anything else from her.

Tomorrow would be my 4 year anniversary with Eddie. This is still a very sensitive topic with me. I found out he cheated on me from his mom, who I am still close with.. my world collapsed around me, and I felt like I was literally dying. Everytime I talk to him, he always has to rub it in that he's sleeping with all these girls and now he's in love with a girl that doesn't know he exists, and he expects me to be his shoulder to lean on all the time, but when I lean back, he pulls away from me and he doesn't care. I just don't understand why I cant just snap out of it and say "he's not worth it!!! Move on to someone who is going to love you!" But when you've been in that kind of relationship that I was in, it is hard for me to move on. I can't help it. I will always have a place for him in my heart.

Now onto something good.. lol. I am one of the few Conservative Republicans in Bethlehem. I feel like an outcast, but I love the fact that I can say that I fully support President Bush, and watch people's faces. Condi Rice is my idol. She can prove that you can be a woman and a Republican and make something great of yourself. I always thought I should be in politics, but I always wanted to be able to touch people's lives and help them when they need help. That's why I want to be a nurse, and eventually a doctor, so I can go overseas and help sick and dying children in third world countries, because that is my calling in life. I just wish I could meet someone that shares my life goals. I know I'm young, (I'm 18) but I know that my life has a purpose and it is to help sick children and be the best person I can be.

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Ashley

love || forever